proceed-with-caution

Whoa, buddy.
Last journal about deleting myself from the internet.
I was a depressive little thing, wasn't I?

Oh, well, months later, trips to a doctor and some medicine have straightened me out.
So, I'm back, bitches.

And, it seems like everything I say or do has silly results. So I just wanted to get something of my chest:

I, am independent, awesome, badass college student, that has her eyes set on something magnificent.

|[ You guys never hear me compliment myself. You must think I'm high. ]|

|[ And you right. I am drugged right now. I would never say this in my right mind. ]|

|[ Doctors are doing something right for once. ]|

AND.

With that said, I just wanted to tell everyone that I am sick of all the freakin' drama.

I'm sick of chasing something I cannot have.

I'm sick of being pulled around on a string.

I'm sick of hearing one thing and seeing another.

And I'm sick of giving so much to a cause only to have it slapped in my face.

So I'm saying it now, and I'm saying it once.

The only thing I'm focusing on is my future which is going to sound as awesome as I'm describing it now. :U

See, I have BIG PLANS.

Like. Possibly NASA? Or simply moving out of the country.

I want a nice house, and someone who respects that to share it with me. Maybe a family to support. Maybe.

And I just /can't/ do that with situations dragging me down. So I'm done.

You know. I've been told that I do a lot for my friends. And I suppose I do, I'd give up my bed, house, car, bank account if you really needed it. I cherish you guys. But I can only go far. I can only beat myself up so much, and I can only deal with it for so long.

And that is what has been tearing me up for months. I've figured it out now. I've been hanging on to someone that I know I love. Because my heart is stupid. And it keeps doing this. But I can't keep doing this. I can't keep stopping my world for someone that doesn't get what I'm doing. I've watched from a distance, for so long. I've listened and I've talked and I've done everything I could and it is always the same. I get rejected after being accepted. I get told I'm wrong after I've been told I've done right. I am so confused, and I don't want that any more. I've been wrong in the past and I've accepted my mistakes. And I've cried and sobbed and just ceased to exist because this person was all I thought about. I've neglected making myself happy because I thought I didn't deserve it. Because of all the 'terrible' things I thought I've done. Thinking of ways to prove myself? To redeem myself?  

I can't even /think/ straight.

But you know what? People fuck up. You move on.

So I'm letting go. I suppose they'll talk to me about it if they wish. But I want this as proof that I'm not pushing, I'm not shoving. I'm not forcing or demanding anything.

I will always. /Always/ be there for the people I love. If they need it. And if they ask. They know what I have said to them, and I hope they know that I've always meant everything I've ever told them.

This one person is always on my mind. Always in my thoughts, making it impossible to do anything I want for myself. Because I always want them to happy. I didn't care about myself.

I can't break myself like this.

You know unrequitted love is a bitch. And painful. And I did it once. And I don't know if I'm doing it again. But. . . I don't even know. But it hurts and I'm not hurting myself again for like 8347092 over the same person. I just. . . it's tiring. And a big hassle right now and. . . we shouldn't be doing this. No one should rightfully be doing this to themselves. To other people. To anyone, really.

I'm sorry.

I'm a twat.

And now we move on for a better tomorrow.

Because life is too fucking short.

To give up on what I need to do.


P.S.  
I'mtootiredtogolookingforthetypos.

I scanned this like 8437048 times. So if I still missed any FUCK IT. B(

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That wee link up there is to my roleplay account. I'm on it a lot. More than my actual one. <3